It’s been almost three months since my last post. As to what happened during all that time, well, let’s just say it was summer. The biggests event were that we adopted two new cats and went to Provincetown. I might go into that history more some other time; but right now I’m going to talk about why I haven’t posted anything new for so long. Aside from the simple fact that once I stopped I found it hard to restart, there are a number of reasons why, really. They are, in no particular order:
One reason is that someone started posting anonymous comments here, and that really put me off. I’m a private person, and this blog is meant to be for my friends, especially those far away, to keep them up-to-date about things in my life. I have no delusions of online grandeur and fame; and the whole concept of people making contact solely through the Internet quite frankly creeps me out anymore, especially when people don’t even attempt to identify themselves. I have changed my settings so that any comments are reviewed by me first. Any anonymous comments will be duly discarded. I may also consider limiting access to the blog only to people I know.
I’ve also hesitated to write because I haven’t wanted to bore people with the trivia and tedium of daily life; and when I have something that might be more interesting to say, it takes me a very long time to write it. I’m a slow writer, and it takes me forever to end up with my words the way I want them to be. And as the summer has worn on, I’ve been feeling increasingly guilty about not having a job, so I hesitate to do anything as involved and time consuming (for me) as blogging can be, when I could be spending that time either job hunting, or at least doing yardwork or housework.
Mind you, I haven’t done much of those things lately either. Mostly, I’ve just been stagnating. Writing in a blog can force you to think about yourself objectively, and frankly, taking a step back to look at my life, I’m not very happy with it right now. It was an unfortunate mistake that I chose to leave the job I had in Philadelphia. I was lucky to have it because it’s become painfully obvious how difficult it is for me to be convincing to people on job interviews. As the interviews and applications and canvass letters lead nowhere, I’ve found myself circling down ever deeper into solitude and depression. Fortunately, I see my friends and Roger in the evenings and on weekends, and that helps more than I can say. If it were not for them, I don’t know what I’d do. Maybe return to Philadelphia? I don't know.
Lately during the weekdays I just shut down. Sometimes I sleep way more than I should, and my head hurts because of it. I don’t talk to anyone. I don’t get any exercise. I eat poorly. This is what my summer has gotten to be like. So I hesitate to write also because I feel like no one wants to read about a depressed person sitting alone at his computer, unable to find humor, enthusiasm or a sense of wit, with nothing left to write about except the bald truth. Some of my friends have hinted that they would like to see updates on my blog. I’m not sure this is what they were hoping for.
So I might write more later. I don’t know. I’d like to say this is a turning point, but I might just be turning in circles. Sorry folks.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
well I have missed what you write. I appreciate what you do write when I can get it. I miss you tons and feel bad that by being so far away i can only help by listening.. but you've got the attention of both my ears OK??
xxooxx
Thank you. I appreciate that lots. I miss you too!
... and I'm really glad I got the chance to see you, even for a little this summer.
The fact that I keep checking back here frequently must mean I want to hear what you have to say no matter where it is coming from.
I love you my friend.
Thanks Alan,
I'm glad I got to see you too. It's definitely one reason the summer wasn't all bad. I love you back.
Dan: You have become one of my closest dearest friends, and knowing you're struggling in life is hard for me because I want to make tings better for you. Sharing your struggles with people who care can be very cathartic, not only for you, but for us. We have the opportunity to express our support and concern for you, while also being reassured that we are not the only ones who struggle in life. There is a camaraderie in the struggle. We have all felt your pain, in different ways and degrees and are no happier you are going through it than we we were going through it ourselves. Know that you matter in ways far beyond having a job or a paycheck: you have brought warmth and laughter and joy and love to my life and many others, 'm sure. I know I can't make things better or take away the pain, but I can promise to stand by your side and walk with you through the dark places until the light comes back. Even though I have the luxury of seeing and talking with you in person almost daily, your written word is powerful and meaningful, and I encourage you to write more and write the truth. By sharing your feelings and letting us read about and know them, perhaps you will feel a little less alone in your struggle. Love you, buddy. You'll get through this...and we'll help!
Breenlantern sweetie,
I have to disagree with you: You do make things better! Thanks buddy, I love you too.
Dan: I was one of those that encouraged you to start writing your blog as I thought not only would it be helpful to you in a cathartic way but also a means of us (your distance friends)being able to share ourselves with each other. It isn't always that you need to express youself profoundly (although that is fine) but even writing up your recent lawn mow experience that you emailed me and I found to be such fun enhances the "closeness" which is part of the whole friendship thing. Others have expressed it better than I --but to re-emphasize, there are several of us that are pround and lucky to have you for a friend and know "we are here for you!".
Post a Comment