For those of you who don’t follow sports, or, in particular, baseball; the team of my hometown, the Philadelphia Phillies, may possibly win the World Series tonight. Or perhaps they did already? I don’t even know. Imagine that.
If they do win, I won’t be there in the city to hear the celebratory honking of car horns, the blasts of firecrackers and howls of “WE WON!” until two in the morning, followed the next day by a parade in which they will play “We Are the Champions” by Queen while drunken fans will piss and vomit in every available alley and curbside planter while screaming, over and over again “WE WON! WE WON! YEAH!! WE WON!!”
Now call me a fucking miserable gay wet blanket, but as you probably already guessed, for once I am so very glad to be here in the Land of Far Far Away From Philadelphia to miss all the pageantry and excitement that is the Phillies We Won parade.
Don’t get me wrong; I will extend my sincerest congratulations to the team if they do win. But please don’t expect me to get excited, ‘cause I don’t get sports. I just don’t get it. And if you ask me, baseball in particular is the most bizarre and incredibly boring game ever conceived. I mean, hit a ball with a stick and run around in circles? What's with that?
If they do win, I won’t be there in the city to hear the celebratory honking of car horns, the blasts of firecrackers and howls of “WE WON!” until two in the morning, followed the next day by a parade in which they will play “We Are the Champions” by Queen while drunken fans will piss and vomit in every available alley and curbside planter while screaming, over and over again “WE WON! WE WON! YEAH!! WE WON!!”
Now call me a fucking miserable gay wet blanket, but as you probably already guessed, for once I am so very glad to be here in the Land of Far Far Away From Philadelphia to miss all the pageantry and excitement that is the Phillies We Won parade.
Don’t get me wrong; I will extend my sincerest congratulations to the team if they do win. But please don’t expect me to get excited, ‘cause I don’t get sports. I just don’t get it. And if you ask me, baseball in particular is the most bizarre and incredibly boring game ever conceived. I mean, hit a ball with a stick and run around in circles? What's with that?
I never had an interest or even a clue. I know what a bitch… I guess it came as part of the package deal with my gay gene.
Now I admit that occasionally I’ve found myself in restaurant where my attention might be drawn to a t.v. screen where I see a super hunky sexy Mr. Butch Otterbear baseball player out on the field or on the bench. But before I have time to even drop my fork in a fit of lust, invariably the moment quickly turns to horror and revulsion as the man spits out a mouthful of repulsive dark brown slobbery squirting juice, like a giant alien grasshopper regurgitating human flesh-eating shit-stain-colored acid; thereby destroying any chance I might have at wanting to ever even pretend to have an interest in the game (or eat in that restaurant again.)
But even more incomprehensible than the game itself is the desire to shout "WE WON!" at the end.
Now I admit that occasionally I’ve found myself in restaurant where my attention might be drawn to a t.v. screen where I see a super hunky sexy Mr. Butch Otterbear baseball player out on the field or on the bench. But before I have time to even drop my fork in a fit of lust, invariably the moment quickly turns to horror and revulsion as the man spits out a mouthful of repulsive dark brown slobbery squirting juice, like a giant alien grasshopper regurgitating human flesh-eating shit-stain-colored acid; thereby destroying any chance I might have at wanting to ever even pretend to have an interest in the game (or eat in that restaurant again.)
But even more incomprehensible than the game itself is the desire to shout "WE WON!" at the end.
Excuse me, but “We?”
Is this the reason I should watch and follow this pastime with rabid devotion; so that at the end I have a chance to claim that I personally won the World Series? I seriously don't think anyone would believe me.
(T-shirt available at the Onion .)
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